What Would Uwe Boll Do?

Discuss the original 2006 movie.

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Whoomp
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Post by Whoomp »

The normal -> alternate world change would simply be him turning the lights off and on.
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Chrism~
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Post by Chrism~ »

Uwe Boll would star James with Ben Aflfeck and Maria with Jessica Simpson, and each time that they had awkward unexplainable sex the reality between worlds would shift. This would occur by a lot of flashy rave lights going on and off at the same time as they would be attacked by the nurses, which in this case have been replaced with young and vicious cheerleaders. But James always keeps a spare rocket launcher in his back pocket and Maria takes out her whip which she used as a belt as she starts the story by being a fetish stripper.

After this vicious attacks Pyramid Head would show up, since Uwe Boll ran out of money he thought it would be clever to turn Pyramid head into "The Bucket head". This is because Uwe spent all the money staring Pamela Anderson as the Pyramid head, which by the way is the whole twist of the movie.

At the end Bucket head takes his (her) bucket of his (her) head and reveals his (her) true identity, Pamela Anderson. Which for no reason at all decides to "vanish" as there is no longer use for the bucket head since James has finally realized hat she represents James' fear for girls with buckets on their heads. The "vanishing" of the bucket head occurs with an exotic dance and Ben Affleck end up stabbing out his eyeballs because he can no longer take the incompetence of the movie. But Uwe thought that it would be clever to take that with as the ending of the movie.
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dsagent
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Post by dsagent »

Ugh. I didn't know who that guy was so I googled his name. I do not like what I saw.
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JKristine35
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Post by JKristine35 »

Alessa's flashback story would be two minutes long so we can get back to the kung-fu killing of monsters and pointless sexuality of the characters.
Alessa's conception would be shown in drawn-out and completely unwanted detail.
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Post by SilentMadness »

Ugh. I didn't know who that guy was so I googled his name. I do not like what I saw.
You were the lucky ones to not know who he is, as he is a disgrace to the world. Have you been to the petition site? Here's the link:

http://www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html

It's to get rid of Mr. toilet boll out of the movie industry.
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Post by kamui3 »

overachiever547 wrote:Kristanna Loken would play old Alessa, magically healed of all burns and instead sporting a red, almost completely burnt-off bikini and moaning suspiciously. As she tears up the cultists with her barbed wires and the rock music kicks in, Rose screams "Noooooo" as she strips, I mean ahem tears at her clothes in agony at the gruesome sight. Christabella pulls out a big ass rocket launcher and delivers a slow motion backflip as a barbed wire narrowly misses her, then proceeds to blow the bitch to hell as she screams cornily "I am killing you bitch now! Arghh..." :D (note the badly written dialogue)
Sadly I'd probably watch that.
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Post by Inner Eye »

I don't know what crap would come from Uwe's twisted mind. But if I directed the movie, Uwe Boll would have played Cristabella, and the last scene would have been real.
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dagoth_jeff
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Post by dagoth_jeff »

LMFAO!
Uwe Boll?!? Man, I thought you were serious. I'm relieved to see that you're not.
Kristianne Loken (sp?) would be Cybil, and she'd be wearing a burgundy pleather bra. Weapon of choice: nunchucks and throwing stars.
And she would have backflip-kicked Dahlia about 50 times in a row.

How does this guy make any money?
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Post by Loveless_Dogg »

I don't think he does, people just give it to him.
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Naughty Nurses
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Post by Naughty Nurses »

^^It's magickalll.

If Uwe ever were involved in a SH film, you'd better be prepared to see some Tara Reid.

And plenty-O-tits.
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blank fairy
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Post by blank fairy »

I remember when I first heard that there was going to be a SH movie, I seriously thought "please don't let it be that 'House of the Dead' guy that makes it!" Honestly though, reading through this thread reminded me that we SH fans don't really have it that bad afterall.

It would be funny if many, many years from now one of his movies became the next "Plan 9 from Outer Space".
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Post by shinkeidei »

thre words: boobs, guns and filthy language
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JKristine35
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Post by JKristine35 »

Didn't Uwe try to claim he had been given the rights to the movie back before it came out, and Konami released a statement saying it was someone else? Or is this just a rumor?
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silenthell88
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Post by silenthell88 »

I imagine Cybil being a Bruce Lee wanna be with a lot of skin showing. There'd probably be a lot of explosions and the music would be metal and nothing close to SH's style. I just reminded myself of the Resident Evil movie. :? :shock:
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aj4x94
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Post by aj4x94 »

JRamirez35 wrote:Didn't Uwe try to claim he had been given the rights to the movie back before it came out, and Konami released a statement saying it was someone else? Or is this just a rumor?
That sounds more like the MGS rumor, where Kojima himself said that he would never work with Boll.

Oh man, the idea of Uwe Boll working on Silent Hill is just terrifying. Lots and lots of slo-mo, car chases, and nekid teens. But since I've heard that they were thinking about making Silent Hill 2 using younger actors/actresses, its just as bad.
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DistantJ
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Post by DistantJ »

lol, quite an amusing topic.

However, I think it's fueled by people who have only seen House of the Dead and/or Bloodrayne. Uwe is actually rather good with horror.

He'd have ballsed up the dialogue and emotion, but the scary stuff would be all there, in fact, it'd probably have been scarier than the movie we got, but not as good a film. If SEED is anything to go by, it'd have been an unforgiving, relentlessly disturbing film, and Tunnel Rats proves he can create an amazing, intense atmosphere. I don't think he'd have captured Silent Hill's heart and magic, though.

I think Uwe may have done a better job of Pyramid Head. Max Seed reminded me heavily of him, and I had a similar sense of dread when he entered a room, considering some of the torturous things he did, particularly in the hammer scene. I can imagine him having Pyramid Head do something far, far more painful and upsetting than tearing Anna's skin off.

But... Yeah, the dialogue and heart of the story would have all been ruined, even if he got somebody else to write the script I don't think he could have directed the right kind of emotions in the characters, it'd come out very cold and sterile, which is fine but, not for Silent Hill, in my opinion. He'd have probably gone for a more simplified story, ripped straight from the game (the cult burning Alessa to steal her power and give birth to a god etc.) rather than the more interesting one the movie got with witch-burning and such.
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Post by Son_of_Kauffman »

Silent Hill gets nuked at the end.
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Alessandro
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Post by Alessandro »

^ like the ufo ending?

hahaha!


I'd pay to see that ending on film!
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Post by Loveless_Dogg »

Meatloaf could play one of the Insane Cancers. At least I think so.
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Post by Kairu »

Give him a break. Yes his movies may suck , but he's not mental, he has his head screwed on and knows what he's doing, watch this interview for some incite http://www.loadingreadyrun.com/videos/v ... h_Uwe_Boll . It's a long interview but it's a good watch. People familer with theescapistmagazine will recognise that the interviewer is Graham Stark of Unskippable
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